Humor For Today or any other Day

[Herb]

Love the Bee...

https://spreely.video/v/1368567548/HILA ... op-Genders

[Herb]

[Suzuki Johnny]

toes.
Really just one big, round crouton covered with
tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza.
I ate a pizza.
How to prepare Tofu:
1. Throw it in the trash.
2. Grill some Meat.
I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking
into a spider web.
I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day
diet in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
A recent study has found that women who carry
a little extra weight live longer than men who
mention it.
Kids today don't know how easy they have it.
When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through
shag carpeting to change the TV channel.
Senility has been a smooth transition for me.
Remember back when we were kids and every
time it was below zero outside, they closed school?
Me neither.
I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking
or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this.
I love being over 60. I learn something new every day,
and forget 5 others.
A thief broke into my house last night. He started
searching for money, so I woke up and searched
with him.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like: I KNOW!
Right?
I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my
forehead and call it a day.
PS: Sunday, March 13, 2023 began Daylight Saving Time.
Hope you didn't forget to set your bathroom scale back
10 pounds on Saturday night.

[Suzuki Johnny]

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua. As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman Said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand.
This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog"

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The woman with the Chihuahua said, .........
.
.
.
"A Chihuahua ? They gave me a fucking Chihuahua ?!"

[Suzuki Johnny]

Viagra
Boudreaux and Thibodeaux were fishing. Boudreaux said. "Thibodeaux, did you know they are prescribing Viagra in the nursing home?"
"No Boudreaux," said Thibodeaux. "I didn't hear that."
"Well they are, it keeps the old men from rolling out of the bed."

[Suzuki Johnny]

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down......
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've
got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $200 for your trouble”
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully
strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to
the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. "What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $200 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!"
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde. "But we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."

[Suzuki Johnny]

Mrs. O'Malley was walking down Mill Road in Killorglin when she met Father Timothy.
The Father said, "Good Morning to you! Aren't you Mrs. O'Malley and didn't I marry you and your husband 1 year ago?"
She replied, "Sure, that you did, Father."
The Father asked, "And would there be there a little one yet?"
She replied, "No, not yet, Father."
The Father said, "Well, now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for you and your husband."
She replied, "Oh, thank you, Father." Then they went their separate ways.
Some years later they met again. The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs. O'Malley, how are you these days?"
She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!"
The Father asked, "And tell me, have you been blessed with any young ones yet?"
She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twin boys and 4 girls, 10 all together"
The Father said, "That's wonderful! How is your loving other half doing?"
She replied, "Well, he's gone to Rome to blow out your bloody candle."

[Suzuki Johnny]

[Suzuki Johnny]

Snail with an attitude
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?’

[Suzuki Johnny]

A group of American tourists entered a 300 year old pub in Cork, Ireland. One of the Americans said, in a loud voice:

"I hear you Irish think you're great drinkers. I bet $5,000 that no one here can drink 20 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."
The bar was silent, but the American noticed one Irishman leaving………… and no one took up the bet.
40 minutes later, the Irishman who left returned and said,
"Hey Yank, is your bet still on?"
"Sure" said the American, "20 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of $5,000.
"Grand" replied the Irishman. "So pour the pints and start the clock."
It was very close, but the last drop was consumed with 15 seconds to spare.
"OK Yank, pay up." said the Irishman.
Ruefully, the stunned American replied:
"I'll honour the bet, here's your money.... but tell me, when I first offered the wager, I saw you leave. Where did you go?"
"Well sir," replied the Irishman, "$5,000 is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went
to the pub across the road first to see if I could do it.”

[Suzuki Johnny]

ESCAPED CONVICT
An escaped convict, imprisoned for murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young
couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of
the room and his wife on the bed. He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in
tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he
wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it! Be strong and I love
you." After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says, "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he
wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too

[Suzuki Johnny]

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the
currency exchange window at the local bank. Short line.
Just one lady in front of me …. an Asian lady who was trying to exchange
yen for dollars and she was a little irritated.
She asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla
fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations.”
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people, too.”

[Suzuki Johnny]

Nancy Pelosi called Harry Reid into her office one day and said,
"Harry, I have a plan to win back Middle America in 2016!"
"Great Nancy, but how?" asked Harry.
"We'll get some cheesy clothes and shoes, like most Middle Class
Americans wear, then stop at the pound and pick up a
Labrador retriever. Then, we'll go to a nice old country
bar in Montana and show them how much admiration and
respect we have for the hard working people living
there."
So they did, and found just the place they were looking for in
Bozeman , Montana. With the dog in tow, they walked inside
and stepped up to the bar.
The Bartender took a step back and said, "Hey! Aren't
you Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi?"
"Yes we are!" said Nancy, "And what a lovely town you have
here. We were passing through and Harry suggested we stop
and take in some local color."
They ordered a round of bourbon for the whole bar, and started
chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.
A few minutes later, a grizzled old rancher came in, walked up to
the Labrador, lifted up its tail, looked underneath,
shrugged his shoulders and walked out.
A few moments later, in came another old rancher. He walked up to the
dog, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, scratched his
head and left the bar.
For the next hour, another dozen ranchers came in, lifted the
dog's tail, and left shaking theirheads.
Finally, Nancy asked,
"Why did all those old ranchers come in and look under
the dog's tail? Is it some sort of custom?"
"Lord no,"said the bartender. "Someone's out there running
around town, claiming there's a Labrador Retriever in
here with two assholes!

[Suzuki Johnny]

Subject: FW: Why You Should Never, Ever, Question A Drunk...
This is a woman telling her story
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
'You must be single.'
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the
derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right.
I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual
about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, Isaid , 'Yes you are correct. But how
on earth did you know that?'
The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.

[Suzuki Johnny]

WOMEN ARE EVIL
A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...She gestured
alluringly to the bartender who approached her Immediately. She
seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he
did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she
asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her
forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

[Suzuki Johnny]

Yes, I know Ferrari is Italian. And, a few other funnies.

German Quality...

Everyone knows that in advertising the competition is very fierce;
so the Germans came up with an ad for German autos...








The French auto makers: Citroen, Renault, and Peugeot soon replied
with their own ad campaign!
Here it is!






A Muslim wife complains to her husband that all the romance had gone out of their marriage.
"Remember when you used to carry me up to bed?" she asked.
Yeah," he replied, "But be fair, you were only eleven at the time !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Suzuki Johnny]

A new term for certain jokes known as "Lesbionics"



1. What do you call a pantry full of lesbians?
A licker cabinet
2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
A Klondyke

3. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
Fur Traders.
4. What do you call a lesbianwith long fingers?
Well Hung
5. What do you call lesbiantwins?
Lick-a-likes.
6. What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and alesbian?
One's a snack cracker; the other's a crack snacker.
And my favorite....
7. What do you have when you've got 50 lesbians and 50 govt workers?
100 people that don't do Dick

[Suzuki Johnny]

Reasons why motorcycles are better than men
A motorcycle can go for more than one ride in an hour.
Motorcycles never develop spare tires.
Motorcycles last longer.
Motorcycles don't get you pregnant.
Motorcycles don't have relatives.
A motorcycle doesn't care what time of month it is.
Your motorcycle will let you know if something is wrong.
You don't have to kick your motorcycle to get it going.
Your motorcycle won't judge your friends.
You won't have to put your motorcycle through grad school.
If your motorcycle smokes you can do something about it.
When riding, you and your motorcycle both arrive at the same time.
One motorcycle will satisfy you every time.
Your motorcycle won't ogle other motorcycles.
If your motorcycle has high mileage, you can just get a new one.
Motorcycles don't care about breast size.
Your motorcycle will never check other motorcycles that are cooler or thinner than you.
If your motorcycle is too soft you can get new shocks.
You don't have to drink beer before your motorcycle looks appealing.
You can be proud of your motorcycle regardless of the model.
You don't have to go to Tiffany's to register your motorcycle.
Your motorcycle won't beat you or try to make you feel inferior.
You can ride a motorcycle as long as you want and it won't get limp.
Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride when you do.
Motorcycles don't insult you if you are a novice.
Your motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other motorcycles.
Motorcycles don't make you late.
You don't have to primp before riding your motorcycle.
Your motorcycle won't complain when you use protection.
You can't get a disease from a motorcycle.
Your motorcycle won't care if you fake it.
Motorcycles are always ready to stop when you are.
Your motorcycle has a built in vibrator.
Your motorcycle doesn't have to show off in front of other motorcycles.
Your motorcycle won't lie to you.
Your motorcycle doesn't care how heavy you are.
In the morning, your motorcycle won't poke you in the back when it wants to go for a ride.
You can turn the petcock off.
Your motorcycle won't shrink when it's cold.
If your motorcycle can't fire up, you can just replace the battery.
If your motorcycle stinks you can wash it.
You don't have to cook for your motorcycle.
Your motorcycle can't ride around behind your back.
If your motorcycle is cold you can choke it.
Your motorcycle is always the right size because if it seems too small you can just get a new one.
You can keep photos of your old motorcycles.
Your motorcycle would rather go for a ride than watch sports.
Your motorcycle can go for multiple rides.
Motorcycles don't need pick-up lines.
You only have to ride your motorcycle when you want to.
Your motorcycle won't go for rides by itself.
If baldness occurs, you can replace the tires.
Motorcycles don't snore.

[Suzuki Johnny]

True love lasts forever
It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’

[Suzuki Johnny]

A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation
> >> that will pay him more.
> >> There is a hush within the congregation. No one wanted him to leave.
> >>
> >> Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the city stands up and
> >> proclaims, 'If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac
> >> every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'
> >>
> >> The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.
> >>
> >> Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, 'If
> >> the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also
> >> establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his
> >> children!'
> >>
> >> More sighs and loud applause.
> >>
> >> Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Preacher
> >> stays, ‘I will give him sex!'
> >>
> >> There is total silence.
> >>
> >> The Preacher, blushing, asks her, 'Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to
> >> say that?'
> >>
> >> Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his
> >> forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife
> >> Replies, 'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Screw him!'