Humor For Today or any other Day

[Suzuki Johnny]

THE AWESOME POWER OF A WIFE'S LOVE
A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.
There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven?
Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table.
The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral."

[Suzuki Johnny]

Who said that health care in Canada was not up to par?
A Muslim immigrant in Toronto goes to the doctor and says
"I feel terrible."
The doctor examines him and then says: "You need to pee
and put your bowel movements in bucket for a week, then
throw in a dead fish and some rotten cabbage. Put a towel
over your head and inhale the vapors for three days."
The Muslim does this and goes back to the doctor 8 days
later and says, "I feel wonderful! What was wrong with me?"
The doctor replied......"You were homesick."--

[Suzuki Johnny]

Male Logic ...

Woman:
Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman:
How many beers a day?
Man:
Usually about 3
Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (This is where it gets scary !)
Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?
Man:
About 20 years, I suppose
Woman:
So a beer costs $5.00 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.00. In one year, it would be approximately $5,400.00 correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5,400.00, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000.00 correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
Did you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man:
Do you drink beer?
Woman:
No.
Man:
Where's your Ferrari?

[Suzuki Johnny]

Concert Seats for Seniors


An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats at a concert.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,
"Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The old man didn't budge.
The usher became more impatient.
"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success.
Finally they summoned the police.
The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"
"Fred," the old man moaned.
"Where you from, Fred?" asked the police officer.
With a terrible strain in his voice, and without moving, Fred replied;
"The balcony."

[Suzuki Johnny]

Dirty dishes
There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle. He's always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping around, answering ads in the newspaper and not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic harley with a "For Sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition at a very reasonable price. He inquires about it with the owner: "This bike is beautiful!! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape".
"Well", says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it". And he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.
So the guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan). That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents house. See, it's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm.
"Honey", she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes".
"No problem", he says. And in they go. The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, a huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he reaches over, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make it on the dinner table. Of course no one says a word.
"Her Mom's gotta good body", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and ravishes her right there on the dinner table. Again, no one says a word. Then, the boyfriend notices it starting to rain, he better take care of the motorcycle. He pulls the Vaseline from his pocket. The father stands up and shouts: "All right, I'll do the f@(#ing dishes!!"

[Suzuki Johnny]

Father Tim Dempsey was making his rounds
Visiting his parishoners by riding his OLD motorcycle to their homes, when his bike suddenly died, and coasted to a stop alongside the road.
Father Tim checked the fuel tank, the gas filter, the plugs, but could find nothing wrong. He stepped on the kick start, gave it his best effort, but no joy, the bike didn't fire. Gritting his teeth grimly, Father Tim gave it another valiant try, but again the bike failed to turn over.
About that time, a wee lad approached Father Tim and asked what he was doing. "Tryin' to start me bike, my son", the good Father replied, jumping on the crank once more, with no effect.
- "My pa has an old bike like that", the kid offered. "If you want it to start, you have cuss at it while you're jumping up and down".
- "Well, I'm a priest and I cannot cuss. Why, it's been so long since I was saved by Jesus, I do not even remember how to cuss", the priest said, smiling at the youth.
- "Well", the kid said, turning to walk away, "just keep on trying to kick start that pig, and it'll come back to yah!"

[Suzuki Johnny]

So you think you've had a bad day
The following is taken from a Florida newspaper:
A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.
Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some paper towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.
The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.
The same ambulance crew was dispatched and his wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his ankle.
So, "Is your day as bad as you think?

[Suzuki Johnny]

Two friends were playing golf one day. They decided that they would adhere strictly to the rules without ever improving their lie.

After a few holes, one guy’s ball landed on a cart path. As he reached down to pick up his ball to get relief his friend said, “We agreed that we would not improve our lie.”

No matter how much the first golfer tried to explain that he was entitled to this relief, the second guy would not allow it. So the man went to the cart to get a club. As he stood over the ball, he took a few practice swings, each time scraping the club on the pavement, taking out big chunks of blacktop and sending up lots of sparks.

Finally, after several practice swings, he took his shot. The ball took off and landed on the green about six feet from the pin.

“Great shot!” his friend exclaimed. “What club did you use?”

“Your 7-iron!” he replied.

[Suzuki Johnny]

Fred was an extremely avid golfer to his detriment at home. He finished playing golf one Saturday and was on his way home when he had to stop for gasoline.

While pumping the gas his eyes locked on a very attractive young lady who seemed to reciprocate his feelings. Well, one thing led to another and the two succumbed to their passions, which made Fred extremely late getting home.

His conscience got the better of him and he decided to tell his wife the truth.

When he arrived home, he told his wife the whole story and begged her for forgiveness.

His wife looked at him angrily and called him the biggest liar she had ever met.

“I know you played another 18, and are afraid of telling me the truth!” she said.

[Suzuki Johnny]

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain.
Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good, so we should have an uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and...
OH...MY GOD!"

Silence followed….Complete silence!
Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled "For the luvva Jaysus, you should see the back of mine!'









A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, ‘You Can Be The MAN of Your House.’

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, ‘From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal,you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands.

Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?’

The wife replied, “The funeral director” would be my first guess.’

[Suzuki Johnny]

A golfer meets a woman, falls in love and marries her.

She is afraid to tell him of her past as a prostitute.

After the wedding ceremony, she takes him aside and confides to him, “Honey, I have a confession to make – I am a hooker.”

“Not a problem,” says the groom. “I’ll show you how to adjust your grip and stance. That will straighten out your shots in no time!”

[Suzuki Johnny]

Two golfers were on a hole that was adjacent to a street.

A funeral procession passed and one of the golfers took off his hat and bowed his head.

“I am really impressed that you show that kind of respect for someone who has passed,” the playing partner said to his friend.

“It was the least I could do as we were married for over 30 years,” he responded.

[Suzuki Johnny]

A man goes to confession and says, “Forgive me father, for I have sinned.”

The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins, and the man replies that he used the “F-word” over the weekend.
The priest says, “Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language.”

The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the “F-word.”
The priest sighs and tells him to continue.

“Well father, I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church,” the man admitted.
The priest says, “And you got upset over that and swore?”

The man replied, “No, that wasn’t why I swore. On the first tee, I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees.”
The priest said, “And that’s when you swore?”

The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, “No, it wasn’t. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree.”
The priest asked, “Is that when you said the ‘F-word’?”

The man replied, “No, because an eagle then flew by, caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away.”
The priest let out a breath and asked, “Is that when you swore?”

The man replied, “No, because when the eagle flew over the green, the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within five inches of the hole.”

The priest screamed, “Don’t tell me you missed the f—ing putt!”

[Suzuki Johnny]

The first thing that a man looks at in a woman is her heart ,, the fact that her boobs are in front of it is not our fault ,,

[Suzuki Johnny]

Police officer pulls over a speeding car. The Officer says, " Our patrol helicopter clocked you at 80 mph. sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly, "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Dammit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut."
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says," Now dear you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Oh heavens no, officer. Only when he's been drinking."

[Suzuki Johnny]

A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafing through the big book to see if the guy is worthy of entering.

Saint Peter goes through the book several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, “You know, I can't see that you did anything really good in your life, but, you never did anything bad either.

Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in.”

The guy thinks for a moment and says, “Well, there was the time when I was driving down the highway and I saw a group of biker guys gathered around this poor girl.

I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, there were about 20 of 'em tormenting this girl.”

“Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear.

As I walked up to the leader, the gang formed a circle around me

So, I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron.

Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, ‘Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'”

St. Peter, impressed, says, “Really? When did this happen?”

“Oh, about two minutes ago

[Suzuki Johnny]

A blonde phones her boyfriend and says, “Please come over and help me. I’ve got this killer jigsaw puzzle and I can’t figure out how to get started.”

Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

The girlfriend says, “According to the picture it’s a giant hen.”

The boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. When he arrives the girlfriend has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a giant hen. So let’s forget about the jigsaw and have a nice cup of tea.”

“And then,” he says with a deep sigh, “we’re going to put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”

[Suzuki Johnny]

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell.

Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they’re happy.

They tell him, “Well, we’re so sick of the cold where we’re from, and this place is nice and toasty.”

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell’s boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.

He goes back to the Canadians’ room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down. He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue. Furiously, he asks them what they’re doing.

“Well, we can’t pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!”

Satan realizes he’s been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it’s at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth.

He knows he’s won now, so he goes back to the Canadians’ room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement.

He shouts at them in fury, “WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!”

They look at him and shout at the same time, “Hell froze over! That means the Maple Leafs won!”

[Suzuki Johnny]

A golfer walks up to the tee box of a par-3 hole measuring 150 yards. Between the tee box and the putting surface is a lake.

The golfer, seeing the situation, takes his relatively new golf ball and exchanges it for an older ball that wouldn’t be missed if it landed in the water.

The golfer goes up to the tee box and a voice from the sky calls out “Use the new ball, use the new ball!”

The golfer, thinking it’s divine intervention, goes back to his bag and gets the new ball.

The golfer returns to the tee box, tees up the new ball and takes a couple of practice swings.

Suddenly a voice from the sky calls out “Use the old ball, use the old ball!”

[Suzuki Johnny]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read, "California archaeologists findings of 200-year-old copper wire: They have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."
One week later, a local newspaper in Louisiana reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Church Point, Louisiana, Boudreaux, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Boudreaux has therefore concluded that 300 years ago,"Louisiana had already gone wireless."