The next very, very important frontier for human rights
By Robert Arvay June 7, 2023
There are some people who have six fingers. The condition is rare. It is known as polydactyly, and the sixth finger is called a supernumerary. The extra digit is usually considered a useless appendage and is sometimes amputated soon after birth, although in some cases, this creates more problems than it solves.
Recent research has indicated that in some cases, the sixth finger may be useful. A person with this anomaly may be able to tie a shoelace using just one hand. In such cases, the extra finger is not merely an extension of flesh, but is actually entangled into the overall structure of the hand, including bone, tendon, and nerves — which is why amputation may be excessively complicated and harmful.
Therefore, I am calling for special legislation. People with six fingers on at least one hand should be referred to as hexadigitalians. Although I have not found evidence that people in this class have been specifically targeted for discrimination, I feel sure that they have. Since feelings are as reliable as facts, I am seeking corroboration from people who accuse conservatives of rape, despite not knowing when or where such rapes may have occurred (even if in a dream). Their expertise in establishing such claims without evidence will be useful in proving that hexadigitalians have historically been oppressed and are deserving of compensation and special protections.
The first important item of legislation will be to require clothing stores to carry, at an affordable price, gloves that accommodate the sixth finger. Such gloves must be produced in a wide range of sizes, colors and styles, so as not to offend hexadigitalians by limiting their fashion choices based on their digitalian status. These clothing items must not be segregated from items designed for five-fingered customers, so as not to stigmatize hexadigitalianism.
In addition to doing this, hexadigitalian status must be conferred without reference to the actual number of fingers on the affected person's hand. If someone with fewer than six fingers identifies as a hexadigitalian, then he or she (or zim or whackadoodle) should be officially conferred the status of hexadigitalian.
By the way, the term, "finger" should be forbidden as an anti-digitalian slur, for reasons so obvious that only a bigot would need them to be explained.
Naturally, hexadigitalians are entitled to their own "pride month." Official government celebrations must be scheduled at all levels and locations. The slogans "Six-rights are human rights" and "Six-fingered men are real men" must be chanted by all. Hexadigitalians must be permitted access to any dressing room they choose, because, well, isn't it obvious?
Military forces must stop discriminating against hexadigitalians. New weapons systems must be designed and produced to accommodate people with six digits. Those weapons systems must then be destroyed, so as not to force hexadigitalians to be destructive. (If you fail to understand this logic, then you are obviously a MAGA extremist.) However, if they use them to attack Catholics, parents of hetero-normative schoolchildren, or pro-lifers, then such weapons are acceptable.
An extra measure of legislation must be enacted to allow school officials, without consent or knowledge of parents, to send children for specialized surgery to help transition them from five-fingered status to six. Many five-fingered children self-identify as hexadigitalian. Evidence of this is so obvious that only an abusive parent would fail to notice it. Hex-affirming care must be provided for any child who decides, however momentarily, to get the surgery. (Wow, that would be cool! is proof of self-identifying hexadigitalianism.) Parents who object, or even hesitate, must lose custody of their children and be sent to re-education camps.
This is only the beginning. Have you ever heard someone complain, hey, I have only two arms?
