Ambiguity & Idiosyncrasies

[Suzuki Johnny]

Ambiguity & Idiosyncrasies
FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE
IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:*
*1.** ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA...... FLOOR.*
*2.** ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.*
*3.** IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?*
*4.** THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.*
*5.** I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF-
HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.*
*6.** WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?*
*7. **IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?*
*8.** IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?*
*9.** IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?*
*10.** WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"*
*11. **WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?*
*12.** IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?*
*13.** WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?*
*14.** WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION TOILETS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM?*
*15.** IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?*
*16. **CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?*
*17.** IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?*
*18.** WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?*
*19.** HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?*
*20.** WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?*
*21. **ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.*
*22.** DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?*
* (This one took me a minute)*
*23.** DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?*
*24.** HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?*
*25.** IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?*
*26.** IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?*
*27.** IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?*
*28.** WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?*
*29.** WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?*
*30.** WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?*
*31.** WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?*
*32.** IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?*
*33.** CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
*34.** WHY DO SHOPS HAVE SIGNS, 'GUIDE DOGS ONLY', THE DOGS CAN'T READ AND THEIR OWNERS ARE BLIND?*