Humor For Today or any other Day

[Suzuki Johnny]

I bought a new truck. I had to go back to the dealer yesterday, because I couldn't get the radio to work.
SMART TRUCK!!!!
The service technician explained that the radio was voice-activated.
'Nelson', the technician said to the radio.
The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'
'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again' came from the speakers.
Then he said, 'Ray Charles' and in an instant 'Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy and for the next few days, every time I'd say 'Beethoven', I'd get beautiful classical music and if I said 'Beatles', I'd get one of their awesome songs.
Well, yesterday, a woman ran a red light and nearly smashed into my new truck, but luckily I swerved in time to avoid her. I yelled at her, "STUPID IDIOT"
The radio replied,
BIDEN or PELOSI' ?
I love this truck!

[Suzuki Johnny]

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."

[Suzuki Johnny]

A little old lady went to buy cat food. She picked up three cans, but was told by the clerk, "I'm sorry, but we can't sell this to you without proof you have a cat. Too many seniors are buying cat foot to eat. Management wants proof that you are buying this for your cat." So the lady went home, brought in her cat and was sold the cat food. . . . The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food and was again told she couldn't buy them without proof. So the lady went home, brought in her dog and was sold the dog food. . . .One day later, she brought in a box with a hole in the lid and asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box, quickly pulled it out and exclaimed, "That smells like crap." . . . The lady replied, "It is. I want to buy two rolls of toilet paper."

[Suzuki Johnny]

An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blond Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'
The blond opened his lunch and said, ' Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.'
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blond guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'


Everyone turned and stared at the blond's wife. The blond's wife said,
'Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch ..'

[Suzuki Johnny]

I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large,
trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it
down in one swig. "Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says,
menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "Ididn't think you'd cry. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life, I said. I'm a complete failure. I
was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking
lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I
left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another
man ... and then my dog bit me.
So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.
I buy a drink; I drop a capsule in it and sit here watching the poison
dissolve. Then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!
But, Hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"

[Suzuki Johnny]

To Lighten Your Day
A son says, " Dad, do you know what the word Bible means?"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?" "That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly,
"It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth".
(This one is my favorites)
========
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments" answered the lady, kindly...
========
"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
========
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
========
There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program.
The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
=======r
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
========
People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.
========
Last, but not least, a great one:

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

[Suzuki Johnny]

A woman decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel.. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.

She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!"

The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it.

She insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use."

"But I didn't use them."

'Well, they are here, and you could have." He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous."We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here."

"But I didn't go to any of those shows.."

"Well, we have them, and you could have."

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.

After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check.

"But Madam, this check is for only $50.00"

"That's correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me."

"But I didn't!"

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

[Suzuki Johnny]

It's 1977, I'm 9 years old. My mom and dad are roaring with laughter and I don't understand what's so funny.
Q . Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years?
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A.George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

[Suzuki Johnny]

A retired Italian wine maker went to the village church to make his confession for the first time in many decades.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, “Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy

I hid her in my attic”.
The priest replied, “That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! You have no need to confess it.”

“It's worse than that, Father”, he continued, “she quickly started to repay me with sexual favours.”
“People in wartime sometimes act in ways they wouldn't under normal conditions

If you are truly sorry for your actions, you are forgiven”.
“Thank you, Father

That's a great load off my mind
May I ask a question”?

“What, my son”?

“Should I tell her the war is over”?

[Suzuki Johnny]

[Suzuki Johnny]

Women are like apples on trees.

The best ones are at the top of the tree.

Most men don't want to reach for the good ones

because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt.



Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the

ground that aren't as good, but easy....



So the apples at the top think something is wrong

with them, when in realty they are amazing.



They just have to wait for the right man to come along,

the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the

top of the tree.


And... Men are like a fine wine.

They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to

stomp the crap out of them until they turn into

something acceptable to have dinner with!

[Suzuki Johnny]

Dear Abby,

I’ve never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs. Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with “the girls” a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, “Just some friends from work, you don’t know them.”

I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn’t want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with “the girls.”

It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the clubhead.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro shop where I bought it?

Signed,

Perplexed

[Suzuki Johnny]

Islamic preacher Zakir Naik entered a taxi in London and said aloud to the taxi driver:
- Brother, please turn off the radio, because as the Holy Quran instructed, I am forbidden to listen to music, because in the time of the Prophet there was no music, especially western music, which is the music of the disbelievers.
The taxi driver politely turned off the radio, stopped the taxi and opened the door.
Zakir asked him:
- Brother, what are you doing...?
The taxi driver politely answered:
- in the era of the prophet:
There was no taxi;
There were no bombs;
There were no thefts;
In the mosques there were no speakers to wake up children, the elderly or the sick;
There were no suicide attacks;
There was no AK-56;
There was only peace everywhere...
So shut up, go out and wait for your camel...

[Suzuki Johnny]

MARRIED LIFE - MAKES MY EYES TEAR UP, SUCH A HAPPY ENDING !
A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face," he answered. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know... they have frozen glasses... "
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.
"But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that...""You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SIHT! SIT YOUR A$$ DOWN, SHUT THE ELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED A$$ ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT SIHT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKA$$?"
and...they lived happily ever after.

[Suzuki Johnny]

A hillbilly went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home where he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hillbillies. The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid West Virginia hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed it's butt, and said, "This duck ain't from West Virginia. This is a Kentucky duck. You got a Kentucky hunting license, boy?" The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kentucky hunting license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed it's butt, and said, "This ain't no Kentucky duck. This duck's from Tennessee. You got an Tennessee licence?" The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Tennessee license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck. "This duck's from Virginia. You got a Virginia hunting license?"
Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a Virginia hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly, "Just where the hell are you from?"
The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, "You tell me, you're the expert!"

[Suzuki Johnny]

Two Jewish men, Sid and Al, were sitting in
> a Mexican restaurant.
> >
> >Sid asked Al, "Are there any people of our faith
> born and raised in Mexico?"
> >
> >Al replied, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter."
> >
> >When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"
> >
> >The waiter said, "I don't know Senor, I'll ask the
> cooks." He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said "No
> sir, no Mexican Jews."
> >
> >Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked,
> "Are you absolutely sure?"
> >
> >The waiter, realizing he was dealing with
> "Gringos" gave the expected answer, "I will check again,Senor!" and went back
> into the kitchen.
> >
> >While the waiter was away, Sid said, "I find it
> hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico, Jews are everywhere."
> >
> >The waiter returned and said "Senor, the head cook
> said there is no Mexican Jews."
> >
> >"Are you certain?" Al asked once again. "I can't
> believe there are no Mexican Jews!"
>"Senor, I ask EVERYONE," replied the exasperated waiter,
>
> >"All we have is Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato
> Jews, and Grape Jews."

[Suzuki Johnny]

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
"Yes, I know," she replies, "and I'm gonna get boobs too."

[Suzuki Johnny]

There was this little boy about 12 years old walking
down the sidewalk, dragging a flattened frog on a
string behind him.

He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute,
and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy
and asked what he wanted.

He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women
inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not
leaving until I get it."

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come
in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the
girls he liked.

He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"

Of course the Madam said no! .

He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to
get shots after making love with Sherrie. THAT'S
the girl I want."

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the
money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the
first room on the right. He headed down the hall,
dragging the squashed frog behind him.

Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the
frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did
you pick the only girl in the place with a disease,
instead of one of the others?"

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get
home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to
eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After
they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me
because she just happens to be very fond of cute
little boys. She will then get the disease that I just
caught. When Mom and Dad get ! back, Dad will
take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll j ump
the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the
disease. Then when Dad gets home from the
baby-sitter's, he and Mom will go to bed and have
sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when
Dad goes to work, the milkman will deliver the
milk, have a quickie with Mom, and catch the
disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran
over my FROG

[Suzuki Johnny]

[Suzuki Johnny]

One day at a lunch club for ladies, they were all talking. Mrs. Pertuit says, "My husband is da best dress man in Raceland. When I met dat man he was always in blue jeans. Now he wears da finest clothes and always looks so nice." Well, ole Mrs. Authement don't want her friend to out did her, so she says, "Well, my husband has da best etiquette in Houma. You could took dat man anywhere you wanna go and he knows just da right fork and spoon and everything to use." A third lady, Mrs. Thibodeaux, she don't wanna be out did by either of da other two friends, so she says, "Well, dats nice of you to say dat bout your husbands, but I made my husband a millionaire, cher." Her two friends say. "Is dat right? Well, what was he when you marry him?" Mrs. Thibodeaux says, "A BILLIONAIRE."