Humor For Today or any other Day

[Suzuki Johnny]

A blonde was recently fired from her cashier job. She went looking for work the next day.

A few days later, she came to a man who needed someone. “I’m here for the paint job”, the blonde said eagerly. “Alright. Take this paint and brush, and go paint my backyard porch”, replied the man.

The blonde immediately started painting. After she was done, she decided to do a second coat. When she was finished, she went to the man to get her pay.

“I finished it, and did a second coating too! By the way, that’s not a Porsche, it’s a BMW”.

[Suzuki Johnny]

A blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.

She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but didn't want to pay the high prices.

After unsuccessfully haggling with of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde said angrily, “Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!”

The shopkeeper smiled and replied, “Go ahead! Try to catch a really big one while you're at it!”

Later that day while on his way home, the shopkeeper spotted the young woman standing waist deep in a swamp, shotgun in hand.

He stopped to look, and just then he saw an enormous alligator swimming toward the blonde.

She took aim at the alligator, and BAM! She scored a perfect bulls-eye, and with some effort managed to haul the alligator onto the swamp bank.

The shopkeeper suddenly noticed that several more of the dead creatures were lying around the blonde.

The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and shouted in frustration,

“Damn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!”

[Suzuki Johnny]

A farmer gets a phone call from his son.


“I’ve run over a pig and its stuck under the tractor still alive.”


“Shoot it,” says the farmer, “and then bury it.”


About 20mins later he gets another call…”


“Done that, what should I do with his speed camera and motorbike?”

[Suzuki Johnny]

A man goes to confessional and tells the priest, “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I took the Lord’s name in vain while golfing.”

“I understand, my son,” the priest says. “I play the game as well, and it can be frustrating. What happened?”

“Well,” the man says, “I hit my drive on the fifteenth green and it sliced to the right, into the trees.”

“Was that when you did it?” The priest asked.

“No, the ball bounced off a tree and onto the green,” the man continued. “But it bounced into a sand trap.”

“And then you cursed?”

“No, I pulled out a wedge and chipped the ball right out of there. It rolled down the green and stopped two feet from the cup.”

“Ah, that was when you blasphemed,” the priest nods.

“No, Father,” the man replies.



the priest yells, “You missed a two-foot putt?!”

[Suzuki Johnny]

Toilet paper trick
Fresh from the shower, a women stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are to small.
Instead of characteristically telling her its not so, the husband uncharacteristiclly comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then everyday take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a peice of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts."How long will this take?"she asks. "The'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies. the wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make them grow bigger over the years?" "Why not? The husband shrugged. Worked on your butt didnt it?"

[Suzuki Johnny]

A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?" "Yes, they help me sleep at night." "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!" She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee and said, "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks. And believe me it definitely helps me sleep at night." You gotta love Grandmas!

[Suzuki Johnny]

A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us." Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here." A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"

[Herb]

This site has a bunch of signs that are funny and I am too lazy to copy them over here, besides the comments that go with them are pretty good too.

https://www.unpasted.com/trending/hilar ... c3=1522041

[Suzuki Johnny]

Boudreaux was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Marie, will you give me one last request ?" "Of course, Boudreaux, anything," his wife said softly. "Six months after I die," he said, "I wants you to marry Thibodeaux."
Marie asks, "But I thought you hated Thibodeaux?"
With his last breath, Boudreaux said, "I do!"

[Suzuki Johnny]

A married couple went to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the baby’s father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, they found the mailman dead on the porch.

[Suzuki Johnny]

Can cold water clean dishes?
This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.
John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia.
After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car".
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted .
"COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!"

[Suzuki Johnny]

Have I gotten to THAT Age???
I found this timely because today I was in a shoe store that sells only shoes, nothing else. A young girl with a tattoo and green hair walked over to me and asked, "What brings you in today?" I looked at her and said, "I'm interested in buying a refrigerator." She didn't quite know how to respond, had that deer in the headlights look.

[Suzuki Johnny]

JOKES THAT ARE SURE TO OFFEND SOMEBODY



Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.



What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.



What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.



What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
50 lbs.



What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
1/2 inch & 45 minutes.



What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.



Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.



Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.



What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.



What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.



A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in the 7th grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.



What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
'Are you sure it's mine?'



What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.



What's the difference between a Texas zoo and an English zoo?
The Texas zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.



How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F..... Word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!



What's the difference between a northern USA fairy tale and a southern USA fairy tale?
A Northern fairy tale begins 'Once upon a time.' A southern fairy tale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit…'

[HARRIS]

AND THEY'RE ALL TRUE ...

[Suzuki Johnny]

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up.

She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the window.

The trucker lowers the window, and she says “Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load.”

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the blonde catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the window.

Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they’ve never spoken before, the blonde says brightly, “Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!”

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck window. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says “Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!”

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.

He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says “Hi, my name is George, it’s winter in Minnesota and I’m driving the SALT TRUCK!”

[Suzuki Johnny]

Two Hunters From Moscow Charter A Small Plane To Fly.
On landing, the pilot says,
“Remember, this plane can only fly with two hunters, one pilot, and ONE bear.”

The hunters go out and return with two bears. So the pilot says, “I told you ONE bear!”

But the hunters point out that the previous year, on payment of an extra 100 rubles, the pilot had let them put two bears on board.
After long discussion centering on the impossibility of the thing and the disgraceful degree of inflation, the pilot takes 200 rubles and with much pushing and shoving the hunters get aboard with the two bears.
After struggling into the air and fitfully flying for about two hours, the plane gives up and plummets to the earth in a snowbank.

Climbing out from under the snow and the bears, the hunters ask the pilot where he thinks they are. The pilot says, “About the same place where we crashed last year.”

[Suzuki Johnny]

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said..

"Fifty" years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed, watched 10-inch black & white TV,

but I got to sleep every night with a hot 18-year-old girl. Now ... I have a $500,000 home, a $35,000 car,

a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 68-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman and so she told me to go out and find a hot 18-year-old girl and

she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping

on a sofa bed, and watching a 10-inch black & white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.

[Suzuki Johnny]

A chicken farmer went to the local bar, sat down next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman said, “How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne".

"What a coincidence," said the farmer, who added. "It is a special day for me…I'm celebrating".

"It is a special day for me too. I am also celebrating,” said the woman.

“What a coincidence," said the farmer.

While they toasted, the man asked. “What are you celebrating"?

“My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant".

"What a coincidence," said the man. “ I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs."

"This is awesome," said the woman. “What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?"

”I used a different rooster,” the farmer said.

The woman smiled and said. "What a coincidence."

[Suzuki Johnny]

A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied, and again turned back to his book.
"Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes, I live over in Suntree," he answered, and then resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"
With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

[Suzuki Johnny]

Boudreaux was in an advanced Biology class at ULL and was taking his mid-term exam. The last question was, “Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.”
The question was worth 70 points or none at all.
Boudreaux was really hard pressed to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:
1) It is the perfect formula for a child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to the mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then Boudreaux was stuck.
Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground to where the cat can't get to it.
Boudreaux got himself an A.