Humor For Today or any other Day

[Suzuki Johnny]

Donald Trump and Ted Cruz are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that Trump and Cruz sitting over there?' The bartender says, 'Yep, that's them.'
So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you guys doing in here?'
Cruz says, 'We're planning WW III.' The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'
Trump says, 'Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one large breasted blonde.'
The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big breast? Why kill a blonde with big breast?'
Trump turns to Cruz and says, 'See, I told you, no one gives a crap about the 140 million Muslims.’

[Suzuki Johnny]

What is Celibacy?
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He then addressed the men.
"Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Frank leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered

"Gold Medal -All-Purpose, isn't it?"
And thus began Frank's life of celibacy.

[Suzuki Johnny]

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87,
> were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.
> The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and
> wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed
> at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to
> have so much energy.

> The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day.
> It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great
> stamina with the ladies."

> So, on the way home the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As
> he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any
> help.

> He said "Do you have any Rye bread?"
> She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would
> you like some?"

> He said, "Yes, I want 5 loaves."
> She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves... By the time you get
> to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard!"

>

> He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows

> about this shit but me

[Suzuki Johnny]

Boudreaux had him a good job driving a big rig back and forth to the west coast. One day last week while on the way back to South Louisiana, he stopped in for a quick bite at a little run down place in the middle of nowhere New Mexico.

A big gang of bikers come in right after him. They start to mess with Boudreaux . . . throw food on him, etc, trying to start a fight or something. However, old Boudreaux doesn't fight back or say anything at all really. Finally he just gets up, pays his bill, and leaves.

After Boudreaux is gone, the leader of the gang says to the waitress, "He wasn't much of a man, was he?"

The waitress takes a look out the window and says, "Well, he isn't much of a truck driver either, he just ran over seventeen motorcycles!

[Suzuki Johnny]

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00.



His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing, so he would not have to testify in court.



When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.



The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where's the money?"



The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where is the money?"



Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking are talking about."



The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."



The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's temple and says, "Ask him again!"



The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him".



Guido signs back, "OK!!!! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."



The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger".

[Suzuki Johnny]

Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.

He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

My son, “Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses.”

My daughter “Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end.”

My son, “Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre.”

“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river.”

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says,

“Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property”.

Sarah replies, “Property ? …the asshole..... had a paper route….

[Suzuki Johnny]

Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around the grocery store when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, “Sorry about that I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.”

The young guy says, “That's okay, it's a coincidence I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.”

The old guy says, “Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?”

“Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing a tank top with short white shorts.

What does your wife look like?”

The old guy replies, “It doesn't matter, let's look for yours.”

[Suzuki Johnny]

A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks,

“I’ll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday.”

Well, you can imagine her disappointment. The next year,

her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn’t get her anything.

She says, “Why didn’t you get me a birthday present!?”

He replies, “You didn’t use what I got you last year!”

[Suzuki Johnny]

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux were fishing. Boudreaux said. "Thibodeaux, did you know they are prescribing Viagra in the nursing home?"



"No Boudreaux," said Thibodeaux. "I didn't hear that."



"Well they are, it keeps the old men from rolling out of the bed."

[Suzuki Johnny]

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a check-up and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"

The old timer said, "I'm a biker and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight on Sundays and out sliding around corners, "shootin" sand washes and riding up and down the steepest, wildest mountains I can find at the crack of dawn."

The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?" The old biker said, "Who said my dad's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"

The old biker said, "He's 99 years old and, in fact, he went riding with me this Sunday, and that's why he's still alive... he's a biker too."

The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"

The old biker said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?"

The old biker replied, "He's 117 years old."

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went riding with you this Sunday too?"

The old timer said, "No... Grandpa couldn't go this week because he got married."

The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Good Lord!!! Why would a 117-year-old guy want to get married?"

To this old biker smiled and answered,

"Who said he wanted to?"

[Suzuki Johnny]

[Suzuki Johnny]

Four guys have been going on the same golf trip for years. Two days before the group is to leave for St. Andrews, Jack’s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn’t going.

Jack’s friends are very upset that he can’t go, but what can they do? Two days later, the three get to Scotland only to find Jack sitting at the bar with four drinks set up

“Wow, Jack, how long have you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?” one friend asked.

“I’ve been here since last night. The other day, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, ‘Guess who?“ I pulled her hands off, and there she was wearing a nightie. She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.

“On the bed, she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did. And then she said, ‘Do whatever you want.’

“So… here I am!”

[Suzuki Johnny]

Three old ladies – Gertrude, Maude and Tilly – were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation.

Suddenly, a handsome young man dressed only in a trench coat approached them from across the park

He was holding his coat together with his hands and didn't seem to be wearing anything underneath it.

The young man came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat in one quick motion, revealing his naked body.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

Then Maude also had a stroke.

But Tilly, bless her heart, being older and more feeble, couldn't quite reach that far.

[Suzuki Johnny]

Importance of punctuation……



An English professor wrote the words,

“Woman without her man is nothing” on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: “Woman, without her man, is nothing.”

The women wrote: “Woman! Without her, man is nothing.”

[Suzuki Johnny]

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other.

Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.

After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.

A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car.

It didn't need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing

“I'm blessing it,” the priest replied.

The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue.

He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut two inches off the tailpipe.

[Suzuki Johnny]

Random thoughts to ponder-

• So now cocaine is legal in Oregon, but straws aren’t. That must be frustrating.

• Still trying to get my head around the fact that ‘Take Out’ can mean food, dating, or murder.

• Threw out my back sleeping, and tweaked my neck sneezing so I’m probably just one strong fart away from complete paralysis.

• Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers. If you do find one, what’s your plan?

• The older I get, the more I understand why roosters just scream to start their day.

• Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the ‘cool table’ in the cafeteria of a mental hospital.

• You know you’re over 50 when you have ‘upstairs ibuprofen’ and ‘downstairs ibuprofen’.

How did doctors come to the conclusion that exercise prolongs life, when…

…the rabbit is always jumping but only lives for around two year, and

…the turtle that doesn’t exercise at all, lives over 200 years.

So, rest, chill, eat, drink, and enjoy life!

• I too was once a male trapped in a female body…but then my mother gave birth.

• If only vegetables smelled as good as bacon.

. When I lost the fingers on my right hand in a freak accident, I asked the doctor if I would still be able to write with it. He said,
“Probably, but I wouldn’t count on it.”

• I woke up this morning determined to drink less, eat right, and exercise. But that was four hours ago when I was younger and full of
Hope.

• Anyone who says their wedding was the best day of their life has clearly never had two chocolate bars fall down at once from a vending
machine.

• We live in a time where intelligent people are silenced so that stupid people won’t be offended.

• The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have begun asking humans to prove they aren’t a robot.

When a kid says “Daddy, I want mommy” that’s the kid version of “I’d like to speak to your supervisor”.

• It’s weird being the same age as old people.

• Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say CLOSE ENOUGH.

• Last night the internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like good people.

• If Adam and Eve were Cajuns they would have eaten the snake instead of the apple and saved us all a lot of trouble.

• We celebrated last night with a couple of adult beverages …… Metamucil and Ensure.

• You know you are getting old when friends with benefits means having someone who can drive at night.

• Weight loss goal: To be able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time.

• After watching how some people wore their masks, I understand why contraception fails.

• Some of my friends exercise every day. Meanwhile I am watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.

• For those of you that don’t want Alexa or Siri listening in on your conversation, they are making a male version….it doesn’t listen to
anything.

• I just got a present labeled, ‘From Mom and Dad’, and I know darn well Dad has no idea what’s inside.

• Now that Covid has everyone washing their hands correctly…next week…Turn Signals.

• Someone said, “Nothing rhymes with orange.” I said, “No, it doesn’t.”

• The pessimist complains about the wind. The optimist expects it to change. The realist adjusts his sails.

• There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

• Reading gives us someplace to go when we have to stay where we are.

• I have many hidden talents. I just wish I could remember where I hid them.

• My idea of a Super Bowl is a toilet that cleans itself.

• Apparently exercise helps you with decision-making. It’s true. I went for a run this morning and decided I’m never going again.

[Herb]

• Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers. If you do find one, what’s your plan?

shoot em...

[Suzuki Johnny]

A guy is out with buddies - has few drinks - is feeling a little frisky but, true to his wife, goes home.

He finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open, so he gets two aspirin and drops them in her mouth.

She starts to choke, but recovers and asks "What did you put in my mouth?"

He says, "Two aspirin."

She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE!"

He says, - "That's all I wanted to hear."

[Herb]

Your Yearly Dementia Test! (only 4 questions this year)


This one has some different questions than last year.

Yep, it's that time of year again for us to take our annual senior citizen test.

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles.

As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert.

If you don't use it, you will lose it !!






#1. What do you put in a toaster?











Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast', just give up now and go do something else. And, try not to hurt yourself.

If you said, bread, go to Question #2.

# 2. Say 'silk' ten times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?






Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is already over-stressed and may even overheat.

Content yourself with reading more appropriate literature such as Women's Weekly or Auto World.

However, if you did say 'water', proceed to Question #3.

# 3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?









Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass.

If you said 'green bricks', why are you still reading this? PLEASE, go and lie down! But, if you said 'glass,' go on to Question #4.

# 4. Please do not use a calculator for this for it would be cheating: You are driving a bus from Jurong to Changi. At Bukit Batok, 17 people got on the bus. At Clementi, 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on. At Outram, 2 people get off and 4 get on. At Marine Parade, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. And at Eunos, 3 people get off and 5 people get on. You then arrive at Changi.

Without going back to review, how old is the bus driver?



Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!

Don't you remember your own age?!?! It was YOU driving the bus!

If you pass this along to your friends, pray they do better than you.

PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!

If you had fun with this, send it on. I did... I already know that even when you missed a question, you went on to the next one, didn't you?

Congratulations! Life is like that, even when you fail, you keep going and persisting. Failure is no reason to give up!

(I only missed one because the greenouses around here have plastic on them instead of glass.)

[Suzuki Johnny]

An Arab, a Mexican and a Texas girl were in the same bar at Pappy's Cafe last week.



When the Mexican

finishes his beer,

he throws his glass

in the air, pulls out

his pistol, and shoots

the glass to pieces...

He says,'In Mexico ,

our glasses are so

cheap we don't need

to drink with the same one twice.'



The Arab, obviously

impressed by this,

drinks non-alcohol beer

(cuz he's a muslim!),

throws it into the

air, pulls out his

AK-47, and shoots

the glass to pieces...

He says, 'In the

Arab World we have

so much sand to make

glasses that we don't

need to drink with

the same one twice either.'







The cool Texas girl,

picks up her beer,

downs it in one gulp,

throws the glass into

the air, whips out her

45, and shoots the

Mexican and the Arab.





Catching her glass,

setting it on the bar,

and calling for a refill,

she says,

'In Texas ,

we have so many

illegal aliens that

we don't have to

drink with the same ones twice.'







God Bless TEXAS!