Humor For Today or any other Day

[Suzuki Johnny]

KITCHEN SEX

She's in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, when he walks in.
She turns and says, "You have to make love to me -- this very moment."

His eyes light up and he thinks, "Holy Smoke - this is my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and then gives it his all, on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she says, "Thanks," and returns to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, he asks, "What was that all about?"
She explains, "The egg timer's broken."

[Suzuki Johnny]

Husband walked up to his wife while she was relaxing after supper and handed her two aspirin and a glass of water. She says, "What's this for?" He says, "It's for your headache." She says, "But I don't have a headache." He says, "That's exactly what I wanted to hear."A

[Suzuki Johnny]

Well, it's taken most of the day, but I finally got my stove clock set an
hour back for the end of daylight savings tomorrow

[Herb]

true story, but still funny as hell. Anyone else think that it might be a good idea to learn the language of the country you are moving to???

https://www.thegatewaypundit.com/2024/0 ... 2024-04-14

Illegal Alien Tries to Rob Bank in Ohio Using a Translator App Because He Couldn’t Figure Out How to Say “Put the Money in the Bag” (VIDEO)

In a bizarre twist to bank robbery attempts, an alleged illegal immigrant tried to rob a bank in Sandusky, Ohio using a translator app on his phone to demand money from the tellers.

The suspect, identified as 20-year-old Yeixon Brito-Gonzalez from Venezuela, found himself in the grips of the law shortly after his failed attempt....

[Suzuki Johnny]

JEWISH MOTHER*

The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Susan Goldstein.

She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again."

"Don't worry about it, Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door.

"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy; what on earth would I wear?"

Susan replies, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown, custom-made by the best designer in New York."

"Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat"

The President-Elect responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York; kosher all the way. Mom, I really want you to come."

So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2028, Susan Goldstein is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new President's mother, who leans over to a Senator sitting next to her and says,


"You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States?"

The Senator whispers back, "Yes, I do."

Mom says proudly, "Her brother is a doctor."

[Suzuki Johnny]

*ITALIAN MOTHER*

Giuseppe excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married.

He says, "Just for fun, Mama, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house, sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.


He then says, "Okay, Mama, guess which one am I going to marry?"

Mama says immediately, "The one on the right."

"That's amazing, Mama. You're right. How did you know?"

Mama replies: "I don't like her."

[Suzuki Johnny]

*IRISH FATHER*

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back to the time I took my son out for his first drink.

Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house.

I got him Guinness Stout. He didn't like it so I drank it.

Then I got him an Old Style. He didn't like it either, so I drank it.

It was the same with the Coors and the Bud.

By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey, I could hardly push the stroller back home.

[Suzuki Johnny]

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, my boys, someone got to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'

'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife.

'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.

[Suzuki Johnny]

*IRISH MOTHER*

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'

She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.'

The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?'

She says, 'That he did, Father.'

The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?' She says, “He said, ‘Please Mary, put down the gun"

[Suzuki Johnny]

Hi, Fred, this is Richard, next door. I’ve got a confession to make.
I’ve been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I’m telling you in this text and I can’t live with myself a minute longer without you knowing about this. The truth is that when you’re not around I’ve been sharing your wife, day and night. In fact, probably much more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently and I know that that’s no excuse.
The temptation was just too great. I can’t live with the guilt and hope you’ll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I’ll pay you.
Regards,
Richard
NEIGHBOR’S RESPONSE:
Fred, feeling so angered and betrayed, grabbed his gun and shot Richard, killing him. He went back home and poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. Fred then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Richard.
SECOND TEXT MESSAGE:
Hi, Fred.
Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out and noticed that the damned Auto-Correct had changed “wi-fi” to “wife.” Technology, huh? It’ll be the death of us all.
Regards,
Richard

[Herb]

Dad jokes

Joke of the Day: Why did the computer catch a cold?


It left its Windows open.

[Suzuki Johnny]

SEEMS MORE APPROPRIATE DAY BY DAY

Rabbits

Leading drug companies have announced that live rabbits will no longer be used in scientific experiments.
Muslims will now be used instead.
A top scientist has stated that the advantage of using Muslims is they breed faster than rabbits, and you don't get fond of them...

[hillsy v2]

SEEMS MORE APPROPRIATE DAY BY DAY

Rabbits

Leading drug companies have announced that live rabbits will no longer be used in scientific experiments.
Muslims will now be used instead.
A top scientist has stated that the advantage of using Muslims is they breed faster than rabbits, and you don't get fond of them...

That's hilarious...

[Herb]

SEEMS MORE APPROPRIATE DAY BY DAY

Rabbits

Leading drug companies have announced that live rabbits will no longer be used in scientific experiments.
Muslims will now be used instead.
A top scientist has stated that the advantage of using Muslims is they breed faster than rabbits, and you don't get fond of them...

[Suzuki Johnny]

People from Chicago have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!
In a recent survey 86% of Chicago's inner city residents say that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.
The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet...