Humor For Today or any other Day

[Suzuki Johnny]

Simple math......................

This a conversation between a man and his wife. Please note that she asks five or six questions which he answered quite simply, but then she is speechless after answering only one question.

Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about three
woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (this is where it gets scary!)
woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, i suppose
woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?
Man: Correct
woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000 correct?
Man: Correct
woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an airplane?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: Ah, no.....
Man: Where is your airplane?

[Suzuki Johnny]

A little raw humor for the day!
Subject: The six affairs . . .
A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.

One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'





The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'




The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.

'I have something to show
you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'




The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'




The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?'

The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.'




The 6th & Best Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.’

[Herb]

Democrats are like Christmas lights.

They all string together, half of them don't work and the rest are dim.

[Suzuki Johnny]

Perfect Woman
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a SUV) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.
Who was the survivor?(Scroll down for the answer.)


The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
****Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men keep scrolling****.





























So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

[KAJUN]

Math Lesson
>
> A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:
>
> "Dear Wife: You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have
> certain
> needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with
> you
> as wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn
> that
> by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with
> my
> 18-year-old teaching assistant.
>
> I'll be home before midnight. -- Your Husband" When he arrived at the
> hotel,
> there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
>
> "Dear Husband: You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive
> this
> letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy.
>
> Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily
> appreciate
> the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
> Don't
> wait up."

[KAJUN]

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new
> bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe.
>
> The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your
> robe."
>
> The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished. "Oh, oh,
> aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your
> picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I
can
> carry your beauty next to my heart forever".
>
> She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom
to
> shower.
> He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a
> robe?
> We are married now."
>
> At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me
get
> a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it
> enlarged!"

[KAJUN]

No Nursing Home for Me
About 2 years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess liner. At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room. I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys, etc., all seemed very familiar with this lady. I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told that she owned the line, but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back-to-back.
As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, "I understand you've been on this ship for the last four cruises". She replied, "Yes, that's true." I stated, "I don't understand" and she replied, without a pause, "It's cheaper than a nursing home".
So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations on a Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:
1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.
2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day i f I ca n waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast-in-bed every day of the week).
3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.>
4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.
5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
6. I will get to meet new people e very 7 or 14 days.
7. T.V. Broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.
8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.
9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on t he Pri ncess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go?
Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.
PS: And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side - No charge.

[KAJUN]

HAVE A GREAT DAY….STAY WELL





Subject: Yup!!!


YUP!!!

A 77-year-old man is having a drink in a Chicago bar. Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away. The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her. After a short while, the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.

Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone:
"I'll do anything you'd like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game. I want $100, and there's another condition".

Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is. "You have to
tell me what you want me to do in just three words"

The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman.He then whips out his wallet and puts ten - $10 bills in her outstretched hand.He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly: "Paint my house."

(Our needs change as we get older).

[KAJUN]

Reasons why dogs are better than wives...
1. The later you are, the more excited they are to see you.
2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
5. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
6. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
7. A dog's parents never visit.
8. Dogs do not hate their bodies.
9. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
10. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.
12. Dogs can't talk.
13. Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
14. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready 24-hours a day.
15. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
16. Dogs like to go hunting.
17. Another man will seldom steal your dog.
18. If you bring another dog home, your dog will happily play with both of you.
19. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
20. If you pretend to be blind, your dog can stay in your hotel room for free.
22. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
23. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.
24. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad, they just think it's interesting.
25. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.
26. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
28. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
29. Dogs are not allowed in Nordstroms or Nei! man-Marcus.
30. If a dog leaves, it won't take half your stuff.

[Herb]

[youtube][/youtube]

[KAJUN]

A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a
blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."
She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more, slowly.
He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she, smiled her
biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.
'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank God It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"
The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, Its Thursday'

[KAJUN]

One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer.
"What the ? ? ?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.

"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"
She shot back: "It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow'."

[KAJUN]

You know you are addicted to coffee if
-You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
-You sleep with your eyes open.
-You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
-The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
-You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
-You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
-Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
-The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
-You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
-You can jump-start your car without cables.
-You don't sweat, you percolate.
-You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
-You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
-You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
-People get dizzy just watching you.
-Instant coffee takes too long.
-You channel surf faster without a remote.
-You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
-You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
-You short out motion detectors.
-You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
-You help your dog chase its tail.
-You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
-Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
-You ski uphill.
-You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
-You answer the door before people knock.
-You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse

[KAJUN]

An Angel visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and unmarried sex if she wants to get into Heaven.
The woman said she would try her best.
The Angel visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.
"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I
bent over to look in the freezer, my boyfriend caught sight of my long
slender legs in high heels, he pulled up my skirt, pulled my panties to one
side and made love to me right then and there."
"They don't like that in Heaven", said the Angel.
The woman replied: "They're not crazy about it at Costco either!

[KAJUN]

Very Short Gun Story


A wild eyed (and butt ugly) old woman walked into a crowded bar in downtown
Washington, D.C. waiving an un-holstered pistol and yelled out;

"I have a .45 caliber Colt 1911, with a seven round magazine, plus one in the chamber.
I want to know who's been sleeping with my husband?"


A female voice from the back of the room called out,

"You Need More Ammo, Mrs. Clinton".

[Herb]

I love the internet.

[youtube][/youtube]

[Herb]

3 kick rule.

[youtube][/youtube]

[HARRIS]

SWEEET!

[KAJUN]

The Itch
Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.


The moral of the story............


Pay your bills!!!

[KAJUN]