Humor For Today or any other Day

[Suzuki Johnny]

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when two people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"
She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling." Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds and Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you!!"

[Suzuki Johnny]

I think I'm approaching my "BEST IF USED BY" date.

[Suzuki Johnny]

A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.
It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.
One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado.
When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.
So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my
condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.
"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
“It hasn't affected my brothers though."

[Suzuki Johnny]

[Suzuki Johnny]

Being a little older, I am very fortunate to have someone call and check on me every day. He is from India, and he's very concerned about my car warranty.

I choked on a carrot this morning, and all I could think of was, "I'll bet a doughnut wouldn't have done this to me."

Nothing spoils a good story more than the arrival of an eye witness. (Mark Twain)

I finally realize why I look so bad in pictures. It's my face.

It only takes one slow-walking person in the grocery store to destroy the illusion that I'm a nice person.

It turns out that when asked who your favorite child is, you're supposed to pick one of your own. I know that now.

It's fine to eat a test grape in the produce section, but you take just one bite of rotisserie chicken and it's all, "Sir, you need to leave!"

One thing no one ever talks about when it comes to being an older adult is how much time we devote to keeping a cardboard box because it is, you know, a really good box.

If you dropped something when you were younger, you just picked it up. When you're older and you drop something, you stare at it for just a bit contemplating if you actually need it anymore.

I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter, and then guess what's on the list when I am at the store.

My kids say they want a cat for Christmas. Normally I serve turkey, but, hey, if it will make them happy.

Ask your doctor if a drug with 32 pages of side-effects is bad for you.

I re-labeled all of the jars in my wife's spice rack. I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.


I just read a book about marriage that says treat your wife like you treated her on your first date. So, tonight after dinner, I'm dropping her off at her parent's house.

The best way to get back on your feet is to miss two car payments.

I love bacon. Sometimes I eat it twice a day. It takes my mind off the terrible chest pains I keep getting.

As I watch this generation try to rewrite history, one thing I am sure of is that it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

Driver: "What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?" Officer, "Keep it. When you collect four of them, you get a bicycle."

I asked a supermarket employee where they kept the canned peaches. He said, "I'll see," & walked away. I asked another & he also said, "I'll see," & walked away. In the end, I gave up & found them myself in Aisle C.

I told my physical therapist that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

I put our scale in the bathroom corner & that's where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.

When I was a kid, I used to watch the ‘Wizard of Oz’ & wonder how someone could talk if they didn't have a brain. Then I got Facebook.

I want to be 14 again & ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

Apparently RSVPing to a wedding invitation with "Maybe next time" isn't the correct response.

A guy walks into a lumberyard & asks for some 2x4s. The clerk asks, "How long do you need them?" The guy answers, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

I just burned 1,200 calories. I forgot the pizza in the oven.

Who knew that the hardest thing of being an adult is figuring out what to fix for dinner and doing it every single night for the rest of your life until you die?

I hate it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart, when they've never even seen one of his paintings.

Never trust an electrician with no eyebrows.

My neighbor knocked on my front door at 3 am. 3AM!!! Luckily, I was already up playing the bagpipes.

Instead of cleaning my house, I just watch an episode of "The Hoarders," and think, "Wow! My house looks great."

[Suzuki Johnny]

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who wasa the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house.
A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:
"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge and will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.”
Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account..
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each..
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'
At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shotgun, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder, looks him directly in the eyes and tells him.
"You-a gonna hafta try again!"

[Suzuki Johnny]

God's Plan for Seniors:
Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.
So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it's God's will.
It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.

[Suzuki Johnny]

[Suzuki Johnny]

An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced!” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this!”

She calls Ireland immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “It worked! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way.”

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[Suzuki Johnny]

I just read a book about marriage that says treat your wife like you treated her on your first date. So, tonight after dinner, I'm dropping her off at her parent's house.

The best way to get back on your feet is to miss two car payments.

I love bacon. Sometimes I eat it twice a day. It takes my mind off the terrible chest pains I keep getting.

As I watch this generation try to rewrite history, one thing I am sure of is that it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

Driver: "What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?" Officer, "Keep it. When you collect four of them, you get a bicycle."

I asked a supermarket employee where they kept the canned peaches. He said, "I'll see," & walked away. I asked another & he also said, "I'll see," & walked away. In the end, I gave up & found them myself in Aisle C.

I told my physical therapist that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

I put our scale in the bathroom corner & that's where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.

When I was a kid, I used to watch the ‘Wizard of Oz’ & wonder how someone could talk if they didn't have a brain. Then I got Facebook.

I want to be 14 again & ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

Apparently RSVPing to a wedding invitation with "Maybe next time" isn't the correct response.

[Suzuki Johnny]

A guy walks into a lumberyard & asks for some 2x4s. The clerk asks, "How long do you need them?" The guy answers, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

I just burned 1,200 calories. I forgot the pizza in the oven.

Who knew that the hardest thing of being an adult is figuring out what to fix for dinner and doing it every single night for the rest of your life until you die?

I hate it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart, when they've never even seen one of his paintings.

Never trust an electrician with no eyebrows.

My neighbor knocked on my front door at 3 am. 3AM!!! Luckily, I was already up playing the bagpipes.

Instead of cleaning my house, I just watch an episode of "The Hoarders," and think, "Wow! My house looks great."

[Suzuki Johnny]

"I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV:

'Don’t go in there!


Don’t go in the church, you moron!'


She was watching our wedding video again."

[Suzuki Johnny]

When is the employee Christmas party for self-checkout at Walmart?

[Suzuki Johnny]

This old couple went to the doctor for HIS check up. The doctor came out and said "I will need a urine sample and a stool sample". The old man (being hard of hearing) leaned over to his wife and said "What Did He say"?. The old lady said "He needs your shorts

[Suzuki Johnny]

A nun gets out of bed and puts on her shoes. As she's walking down the hallway to the convent kitchen, another nun looks at her, smiles and says, “Someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning!”

She thought this was a bit odd, but decides to ignore it and keeps on walking.

A few moments later she runs into another nun who says, “Someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning!”

By the end of the hallway and after 5 more encounters the nun is FURIOUS, and marches straight to the head sister's office and throws the door open.

The head nun goes to speak, when the other shouts, “DON'T YOU DARE TELL ME I GOT UP ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE BED THIS MORNING! IT'S ALL I'VE HEARD THIS MORNING AND I'M FED UP WITH IT!”

The head nun, stunned, says calmly, “I was going to say nothing of the sort! I was merely going to ask…

… why are you wearing the bishop's slippers?”

[Suzuki Johnny]

On his first day on the job, the trainee dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone:

“Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!”

The voice from the other side responded:

“You fool, you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?”

“No,” replied the trainee.

“It's the Managing Director of the company, idiot!”

The trainee shouted back: “And do you know who You are talking to, you idiot?”

“No!” replied the Managing Director indignantly.

“Thank god for that!” replied the trainee and slammed down the phone.

[Suzuki Johnny]

A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

“But officer,” the man began, “I can explain.”

“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.”

“But, officer, I just wanted to say,” “And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding… He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”

“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”

[Suzuki Johnny]

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basic items.

"How much do you weigh?" she asks.



"115," she says.



The nurse puts her on the scale.



It turns out her weight is 140.



The nurse asks, "Your height?"



"5 foot 8," she says.



The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5".



She then takes her blood pressure.



And tells the woman it is very high.



"Of course it's high!" she screams: "When I came in here I was tall and slender!



Now I'm short and fat!"

[Suzuki Johnny]

How to turn down unwanted men!


HE : Can I buy you a drink?
SHE : Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE : I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE : I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE : Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE : Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE : How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE : I must've been given your share.

HE : Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE : Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE : Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE : And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE : Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE : Okay, get out.

HE : I think I could make you very happy.
SHE : Why? Are you leaving?

HE : What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE : Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE : Can I have your name?
SHE : Why? Don't you already have one?

HE : Shall we go see a movie?
SHE : I've already seen it.

HE : Where have you been all my life?
SHE : Hiding from you.

HE : Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE : Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE : Is this seat empty?
SHE : Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE : So, what do you do for a living?
SHE : I'm a female impersonator.

HE : Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE : Do not disturb.

HE : Your body is like a temple.
SHE : Sorry, there are no services today.

[Suzuki Johnny]

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.
He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.
Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a water proof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.
He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish whiskey?" asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."
Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.
He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!"
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at
the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!