Humor For Today or any other Day

[Suzuki Johnny]

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ...."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?" Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...."

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.

[Suzuki Johnny]

We Never Knowed . . .


Never Knowed . . .





Michigan State Police announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi-automatic rifles,

with 250,000 rounds of ammunition, 10 anti-tank missiles, 4 grenade launchers,

2 tons of heroin,

$12 million in forged bills and a ring of 14 prostitutes,

all in a housing project behind the Detroit Public Library.



Detroit folks were stunned.

A community organizer said: 'We be shocked !
"We never knowed we had a library."

[Suzuki Johnny]

An old man in his mid-seventies struggles to get up from the couch

then starts putting on his coat.



His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, Where are you going?'
He replies, 'I'm going to the doctor.'



She says, 'Why, are you sick?'
He says, 'Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff.'



Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to

get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.
He says, 'Where the heck are you going'?
She answers, 'I'm going to the doctor, too.'



He says, 'Why, what do you need?'
She says, 'If you're going to start using that rusty old thing,

I'm getting a Tetanus shot.'

[YoDude]

Oh Gawd...that was ....well.....


Yo-

[Suzuki Johnny]

Q: What has a foot but no legs?
A: A snail

Q: Poor people have it. Rich people need it. If you eat it you die. What is it?
A: Nothing

Q: What comes down but never goes up?
A: Rain

Q: I’m tall when I’m young and I’m short when I’m old. What am I?
A: A candle

Q: Mary’s father has 5 daughters – Nana, Nene, Nini, Nono. What is the fifth daughters name?
A: If you answered Nunu, you are wrong. It’s Mary!

Q: How can a pants pocket be empty and still have something in it?
A: It can have a hole in it.

Q: In a one-story pink house, there was a pink person, a pink cat, a pink fish, a pink computer, a pink chair, a pink table, a pink telephone, a pink shower– everything was pink!
What color were the stairs?
A: There weren’t any stairs, it was a one story house!

Q: A dad and his son were riding their bikes and crashed. Two ambulances came and took them to different hospitals. The man’s son was in the operating room and the doctor said, “I can’t operate on you. You’re my son.”
How is that possible?
A: The doctor is his mom!

Q: What goes up when rain comes down?
A: An umbrella!

[Suzuki Johnny]

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.



Q: Have you heard about McDonald’s new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.

[Suzuki Johnny]

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?


Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!





Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesús is watching you." He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesús is watching you." In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Jesús is watching me" The parrot replied, "Yes." Relieved, the burglar asked, "What is your name?" The parrot said, "Clarence." The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot answered, "The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesús."

[Suzuki Johnny]

Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?

















A: Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump. [emoji106]












THREE TREES AND A WOODPECKER
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch, It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into."

Now wipe that smile off your face.

[Suzuki Johnny]

A mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started,
she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but “Nescafe”. Mom was puzzled at first, but then went the kitchen and got out
the Nescafe jar. It said: “Good till the last drop.”

Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read:”Benson & Hedges”. Mom now knew to go straight to her husband’s cigarettes, and
she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: “Extra long. King Size”.
She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card
finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words “British Airways”.

Mom took out her latest Harper’s Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages
fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for British Airways.
The ad said:

“Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways.”
Mom fainted.

[Suzuki Johnny]

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_____________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

_____________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________

[Suzuki Johnny]

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me

for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets

and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that

I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

________________________________

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

[Suzuki Johnny]

* Deep back on the Louisiana Bayou *

Deep back on the Louisiana Bayou Boudreaux's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and Doctor Thibodeaux was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the Doctor Thibodeaux handed Boudreaux a lantern and said, "Here. You hold dis high so I cane see what I'm a doin!"

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa dare," said the doctor, 'Don't put dat lantern down Boudreaux. I tink dares an udder one a comin."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold dat lantern up, dares an udder one!" Said the doctor. Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby. "No, don't put down dat lantern, dares an udder one a comin!" cried the doctor. Boudreaux scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, . . . . ."You reckon its dat light attractin' 'em?"

[Suzuki Johnny]

The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her
life finally retired.

At her next checkup, the new Doctor told her To bring a list Of
all the medicines that had been prescribed for Her.

As The young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide As he
realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control Pills..
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL
Pills?
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in These that
that could possibly help you
sleep!"

She reached out and Patted the young Doctor's knee...."Yes, dear, I
know that. But every morning,
I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year
old Granddaughter drinks ..
And believe me, it definitely helps me sleep at night."
You gotta Love Grandmas.

[Suzuki Johnny]

Two blondes are in a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A game warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."

"We don't have any." replied the first woman.

"Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the game warden.

"But officer," replied the second girl, "we aren't fishing. All we have are magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."

The game warden lifted up the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," shrugged the game warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, the game warden left.

As soon as he was out of sight, the women started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop! Doesn't he know that there are steelheads in this river?!"

[Suzuki Johnny]

A man walking along a California beach was in deep prayer when all of a sudden he said aloud, "Lord grant me one wish." The sky clouded and a booming
voice said, "Because you have tried to be faithful I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over any time I want to." The Lord answered, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking ;the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific;the concrete and steel it would take. I can do it,but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time to think of another wish,one that will honor and glorify me". After thinking long and hard,he finally said,"Lord I wish that I could understand women. I want to know what they feel inside, what they're thinking, why they cry,what they mean when they say' nothing',and how I can make a woman truly happy."















After a few minutes the Lord said, "Was that two or four lanes you wanted on that bridge? "

[Suzuki Johnny]

[Suzuki Johnny]

[Suzuki Johnny]

[Suzuki Johnny]

SPANISH COMPUTER
A Spanish language teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
House for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
Pencil, however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is a Computer?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher divided the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether Computer should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that Computer should definitely be of the feminine gender “la computadora”, because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to
anyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck to buy accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computer should be masculine "el computador" because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could
have gotten a better model.

The women won.

[Suzuki Johnny]

Senior Trying to RESET Password

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.

USER: cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER: 1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

USER: 50damnboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

USER: 50DAMNboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

USER: 50damnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAss!

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

USER: ReallyPissedOff50DamnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.