Intruders-Alert

Subject: Fwd: Spanish Fly


A guy offers to buy a drink for an attractive young woman seated at a bar.
She gives him the green light,
so he goes to the end of the bar and whispers to the bartender to make up a Martini for her and to put some Spanish-fly in the drink.
The bartender whispers back to say he's all out of Spanish-fly and all he has left is Jewish-fly.
Shrugging his shoulders, the guy says, OK, put some of that in her drink.
As she sips on the drink, she gets more and more cozy, really warming up to the guy. Finally, she finishes the drink,
leans over and whispers in his ear.
"Let's go shopping."

[youtube][/youtube]

Q: Why does a peanut wagon whistle?

A: You'd whistle too if your nuts were roasting.

BADA BUMP !

Turn the sound off and just read the joke. The synthesized voice will drive you nuts.

freddie, you can listen to the joke...

[youtube][/youtube]

MEN DO REMEMBER



A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not still in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him..
>
> She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him..
>
> He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
>
> She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
>
> 'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?
>
> The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.
>
> She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
>
> The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago, When we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,' He says solemnly.
>
>
> Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.
>
> 'Yes, I do' she replies.
>
> The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'
>
> 'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
>
> The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he
> shoved the shotgun in my face and said,
'Either you Marry my daughter or I will send you to prison
for 20 years?'
>
> 'I remember that, too' she replied softly.
>
> He wiped another tear from his cheek and said
'I would have gotten out today.'

There comes a point in a marriage when the "till death us do part" becomes a goal,.

AMEN ....

Stupid questions can be funny.

[youtube][/youtube]

esposa
FEMININE NOUN
1. (via marriage)
a. wife
Mi esposa es una excelente mecánica automotriz.My wife is a superb auto mechanic.
esposas
PLURAL NOUN
2. (for securing a prisoner)
a. handcuffs
Todos los policías tienen que llevar esposas.All policemen are required to carry handcuffs.

Do you suppose that it is no coincidence that the same word is used for wife and handcuffs?

I haven't checked out these laws, but considering people, they sound like they are true.

1Prison

It is illegal under German law to deny the holocaust, which is punishable by up to 5 years in prison.

2. In Wisconsin, children are legally permitted to drink at any age, even in public, so long as a legal guardian gives the okay.

3. It is illegal in China to be reincarnated without government approval.

4. In Switzerland, it is illegal to own only one guinea pig because they’re social animals prone to loneliness.

5. It's illegal in Queensland (Australia) to own a pet rabbit unless you can prove that you're a magician.

6. Pepper spray

Pepper spray is illegal in Canada. If pepper spray is used on another person causing serious bodily harm or harming the environment, it can carry a penalty of up to $500,000 and imprisonment of up to 3 years.

7. It is illegal for pet stores in Beverly Hills to sell dogs and cats that are not from a shelter or rescue.

8. It’s illegal for drug companies to advertise to consumers almost everywhere in the world. The only exceptions are the US and New Zealand.

9. Automatic (switchblade, etc.) knives are illegal to own in Michigan, except for one-armed people.

10. Outlaw originally meant "outside the protection of the law" so you could rob or kill them without legal consequences.

11Holly Van Roast

A woman named Holly Van Roast won $40,000 as a settlement from New York City due to police repeatedly arresting her for going topless in public. It's perfectly legal for men and women to be topless in New York City.

12. It is illegal for Indian physicians to determine the gender of a fetus due to female infanticides.

13. In Fairbanks, Alaska it is illegal for a moose to enter a saloon (via the sidewalk). This law was created to try to stop a local tavern keeper from getting his pet moose drunk and prevent the moose's frequent drunken rampages.

14. It is illegal to not flush the toilet in Singapore. For failing to flush, you will be fined $150, and police officers have been known to check.

15. In Canada, it is illegal to pretend to practice witchcraft. However, it is completely legal to practice witchcraft.

16British eggs

British eggs are illegal in the US for being "unwashed" and American eggs are illegal in the UK for being "washed".

17. It is legal to ship live animals in the mail, as long as the animal is not dangerous, diseased, bad-smelling, loud, and able to survive the transit without food or water.

18. It's illegal to "pursue, shoot, shoot at, poison, wound, kill, capture, trap, collect, molest or disturb" a bald eagle in the United States.

19. It is illegal in some states in USA to collect rainwater because "according to officials, 'that rain belongs to someone else.'"

20. It is illegal to tattoo in South Korea if you are not a licensed medical doctor.

21. Missouri

It was technically legal to kill Mormons in Missouri until 1976.

22. In Ohio, It is illegal for foster parents to make their children who are of the opposite sex to share the same room.

23. Unpaid internships at for-profit businesses are illegal in the United States when they're for the benefit of the employer and displace regular employees.

24. In the town of Bracebridge, Ontario, Canada, "Hooting and Hollering" was completely illegal until March 2016 when they made it legal from 7 a.m. to 11 p.m.

25. It's illegal to own hamsters as pets in Hawaii.

26. Camouflage clothing

It is illegal for anyone, even children, to wear camouflage clothing of any kind in Barbados.

27. In Idaho, it is legal for cyclists to treat a stop sign as a yield sign, and a red light as a stop sign. This law is commonly referred to as the "Idaho Stop" and has not been adopted in any other state.

28. In Mexico, the act of escaping from prison is considered legal because the law recognizes that all people have a fundamental desire to be free.

29. It is legal in California to drive a motorcycle between two cars in their lane (lane splitting) and only 53% of state residents know that it is legal.

30. LSD (Acid) was legal for decades, was given to undergraduate psychiatry students as part of their education, and it has the highest success rate in recorded history for treating alcoholism.

31. Robinson Crusoe

It is illegal to bring a copy of "Robinson Crusoe" into the micro-nation of Kingdom of Elleore (micronation located on the island of Elleore), and if you do, your punishment is 11 minutes and 17 seconds in prison.

32. Adult incest is legal in New Jersey.

33. Pinball was illegal for 30 years in many major US cities. Politicians thought that pinball was a game based on chance and therefore must have been a mob-run scam. The ban ended when a master pinball player was called in front of a committee to demonstrate his skill.

34. In EVE Online (Online game) a player set up an in-game bank that operated legitimately for several months. The bank's founder then stole nearly 790 billion units of in-game currency, nearly $170,000 in real-world dollars. This was all perfectly legal.

35. In 2009, EA sent out brass knuckles to the game writers of the Godfather II before realizing that they were illegal in most of the states they sent them to, including California, where EA is based.

36. Danish flag

In Denmark, it is illegal to burn foreign flags, but not illegal to burn the Danish flag.

37. It is illegal to spay or neuter your dog in Norway except under specific circumstances regarding health, quality of life, or utility.

38. In Pennsylvania, it is illegal to use milk crates for anything besides milk and unauthorized use of milk cases can induce a fine of $300 or imprisonment up to 90 days.

39. On Feb 20th, 1792 George Washington signed the Postal Service Act, making it illegal for postal officials to open anyone's mail.

40. Mississippi is the only state in the US where it is legal to drive while drinking an alcoholic beverage, as long as the driver stays under the legal limit of .08%.

41. Smoking

it is illegal to smoke in cars with children in Arkansas, California, Louisiana, Maine, Oregon, Puerto Rico, Utah, and Vermont. The minimum age of the child varies according to the state.

42. It is illegal to name a pig Napoleon in France.

43. In Alabama, it is illegal to wear a fake mustache that causes laughter in church.

44. Mullets (Haircut) are illegal in Iran.

45. It is illegal in many US Cities to put money in an expired parking meter whether it is your car or not.

46. Puns

In China, it's illegal to use a wordplay or a pun in advertising or on television.

47. A clothes shop in Beijing banned Chinese customers and it is perfectly legal in China as there is no legal ban on racial discrimination. One employee’s explanation for the ban was that some Chinese customers are too annoying and that Chinese women often try lots of clothing but end up buying nothing.

48. Although being gay is illegal in Iran, being transgender is fully accepted. Although, once you change gender, you must then only date the opposite gender.

49. Haggis (Dish) is illegal in the US because one of its key ingredients is sheep lungs.

50. Slavery is still legal in the United States, but only as a form of Punishment. This is also known as the Punishment Clause.

IGNORANCE OF THE LAW CAN AND IS DANGEROUS .... OH MY !

An old woman tells her doctor she breaks wind all the time but they don't smell, and they are noiseless. "In fact, I've done about 20 since I've been here" she tells him. The doc gives her pills. Next week she returns & says "Doc, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse. I'm breaking wind just as much, but now they smell terrible." The Doc replies:"Right, now we've sorted out your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing!"

AN OLD WOMAN WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST.
AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER. THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"

THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO,... I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."

A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.

THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR -- NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF --STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.

THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.
THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR, AND THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING. THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.

THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?"

THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO M'AM... BUT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO.

THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:

1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid.

SWEEET

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!”

Boy wears "McDonalds" T-shirt to school.

https://www.dailywire.com/news/29267/ho ... =position4